How do you know if you’ve ever been in love? Most people would argue that although being in love with someone is non-tangible, there is absolutely no doubt in their mind of it existing. In fact, if you are questioning whether or not you are in love, then you are most certainly not.

While I do not doubt for a second the existence of being in love (albeit being one of those sad individuals yet to experience it), I am somewhat perplexed over our perception of what constitutes humanities most sought after experience.

For me, falling in love with someone is a decision made based on the successful matching of ones own predetermined criteria or preferences.

I fondly refer to the preliminary stage of partner selection as the ‘terminator glasses’ phase, since it filters through a potential mate’s attributes and matches them off against our own unique preferences.

On the New Years Eve just passed I went to meet friends at a bar where we would be celebrating the evening. There, waiting at the door with my friend, I saw HIM for the first time. I did a quick terminator scan:
Height: Around 6 foot. MATCH.
Build: Not too skinny, not too fat, not too buff. MATCH.
Hair: Short dark brown. Not over the top alla David Beckham. MATCH.
Complexion: Dark olive. MATCH.
Lips: Plump. MATCH.
Smile: Oh my God. MATCH.
Eyes: Big, brown, expressive, with long thick lashes. MATCH!
Stance: Gentle, not cocky. MATCH.
Nationality: Clearly foreign, probably Brazilian. MATCH.

With the terminator glasses still firmly planted on my face, the confirmed Brazilian was permitted to move onto the second part of phase one: interaction. This is often the most fatal part of any potential relationship, since every sentence uttered, every look given, and every movement is put through the filter of the terminator glasses. Any miss-match could lead to premature relationship death. Very little is forgiven during this part, especially if one’s program is set at ‘long term mate’. In saying this, it is also my favorite part of the process as it is the most fun. I see it as a game we both know we’re playing, but refuse to acknowledge as existing. One can withdraw from the game at anytime without repercussion (that is, of course, when both parties are working under the same set of rules. If this is not the case a few unwanted phone numbers are collected, followed by a few awkward conversations. And depending on how weak one is - unwanted dates followed by unwanted kisses, possibly ending in unwanted sex!).

Stage two, ‘the rose coloured glasses’ phase, is extremely dangerous and not usually approached with caution by either candidate. Depending on the impact of stage one, bombs warning ‘relationship doom’ could be dropped right in front of ones eyes, yet getting let go un-noticed. Everything appears and is, invariably, utterly workable. Despite my cynicism, this stage is defiantly more exciting than the terminator phase, albeit being laced with the fear of it all ending. The premature ‘I love you’ could escape ones mouth, falling like a ball onto a roulette table. The stakes are high, but it could also very well pay off and pass you onto stage three. Or not…

Declaring the title of stage three is difficult. And the truth is, I don’t know what to call it because I’m usually making my way to the green exit sign above the fire escape before you can say ‘marry me’.

My experience with stage three is that I usually realize Mr Perfect is human. I resist accepting him just the way he is, and try to point out where he is lacking (he is usually not so open to my constructive criticism. I wonder why?). This of course does not lead him to change his ways, but firmly ground himself in them (and resent me in the process). Love and commitment gets swapped with fear and dependence. Some stay to battle it out to the very end, most head straight for the green exit light.

People claim at this point that they have ‘fallen out of love’. My argument is that they were never in love in the first place. One of my favourite movies, ‘Moulin Rouge’, melodically states, “The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return”. I believe this is what we think being in love is all about. Yet being loved in return implies that there is a condition to your giving love. So romantic love is conditional love. If romantic love only goes one-way, it is termed unrequited love or even ‘desperate’.

What if I said that true love can only be unconditional? And inside of that, true love can only mean 100% acceptance of the subject, just the way they are and just the way they’re not. What if love, real love, is just loving?

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People of any age find that dating is a challenge. Your hair, your make-up, and whether you look fat or not is a worry. Men, you worry about your tie, is it straight. You worry about having enough money and whether you will like her.

Being like and accepted is something wanted by both men and women. There are things you can do to make your date less stressful, believe it or not.

Make your date as comfortable as possible. If you are asking your date a lot of questions they may feel they are on trial. Your questioned should be open ended and conservation should flow naturally. Talk about all kinds of topics and try to engage your date in the conversation.

Conversation that is forced is difficult, don’t let it happen. “Relax, be yourself and you’ll be fine.” is something people hear a lot. Sharing your interests with your date is fine but don’t forget to listen to them as well. You and your date will probably be nervous, so try to relax. It is important that you be on time to either pick up your date or be ready to be picked up.

There are definitely things you should not do on a date. It is not good to talk about yourself all night or to whine and complain about your ex because your date will wonder what you will say about them. Your date is not an Inquisition so don’t ask a lot of questions. Get ready on time and don’t be late picking up your date.

Don’t forget to say thank you for a good time for your date, it is important. As part of dating you and your date should spend time getting to know one another. You might want to try some that you have not done up until now. It could ease tension and you could learn something interesting if you alternate deciding where you will go.

The most important concern about dating is dating safety. There is such a wide variety of ways to meet people now that it’s easy for anyone with less than good intentions to act on them. Men should pay attention to the following suggestions as well as women because they can both be targeted.

Go to public places for the first few dates not isolated ones. If you are meeting someone you’ve met online, there are things you can do to keep yourself safe, aside from meeting him or her in a very public place. Never go alone, have friends go to the same place you are, and keep you in their sight at all times.

Considering this might be a good idea even if you have met your date already.

Listen to your gut if you have any kind of uncomfortable feeling and do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Learning about your date is important. Do you know where s/he lives? Do you know what kind of work he does for a living? Do not consider continuing to date him if he doesn’t want to tell you.

Your date could be the most wonderful person in the world but be careful if they won’t share any personal information. I suppose that giving too much information is a warning signal as well. The date rape drugs you’ve heard of can not only be put in alcohol but in tea, soda, water, and coffee.

They actually can go in almost any beverage. This is why it is good to have a friend nearby so that if you leave the table, they can keep an eye on your drink and your date. Limit how much alcohol you drink. You need to be aware and keep your wits about you all the time especially if you are driving.

Use any safety device that you can, as long as it’s legal. A cell phone is the most important tool for any one because your car could break down or be in a wreck. Help will come that much faster if you use your cell phone. It is a good idea to have your cell programmed so that you can contact 911 by pushing just one button.

You can program most cell phones with a particular key that when pressed dials 911 automatically. GPS capability is available on most cellular phones. High decibel personal alarms and pepper sprays are two other safety tools.

Community authorities and/or lawyers can tell you what is acceptable in your community. Some places have made pepper sprays illegal. Never go anywhere unfamiliar alone, whether dating or not, is another piece of safety advice. Your seat belt should always be worn.

If you are ordered to go with someone with a weapon some suggest that you take a stand right away. Do what you have to do to become safe, scream, yell, bite, or kick. The eyes and groin are very sensitive, go for them. Hit the attacker by shoving the heel of your hand very hard into their nose. People will react to someone yelling fire rather than help.

Do not give out too much personal information, watch how much you tell. Keeping yourself safe hasn’t always been such a serious matter, sadly it’s only a memory. Over powering someone and covering up crimes has developed new methods.

Always let someone know where you are going and who you are going with, keep yourself safe.

Although UK swinging couples are out there, so are many others. But how can you meet everyone without spending millions of dollars trekking around the world?

Enter the invention of the Internet.

Online Dating And You

If the prospect of meeting someone online is foreign to you, then you must not have looked too hard before.

There are hundreds and thousands of dating services online that bring together all kinds of couples: Christian, Jewish, homosexual, bisexual, fetish, and yes, even UK swinging couples.

Just type in what you’re looking for and you’re sure to find a site that suits you.

What To Look For In A Site

When it comes to finding a good site, you need to look at the overall appearance of the front page. Is it crowded, is it hard to navigate?

If you’re going to be spending a lot of time on the site talking to other couples, then you need to be able to find your way around. And you need to be able to look at it—bright colors can hurt the head after a while.

Are there people or a good question page to help you if you have things that you don’t know? Many times you will be paying to be a member on the site, so in order to get your money’s worth, you want to make sure that you can use it the way that you would like to.

And this means having the help when you need it.

Profiles

When it comes to creating your profile, you want to start off with a good picture. Get out your digital camera and have some fun. You and your partner can dim the lights, set up a tripod and just let the camera catch what it will.

And the more provocative the pictures, the more couples that will be interested—trust me.

Be honest in your profile about what you’re looking for in a swinger relationship. This is not the time to tell someone what you think they might like to hear.

You want some fantasies fulfilled, right? Well, you’re going to need to be clear about those.

And if a couple you’re talking to isn’t interested, just move on. Oh, the beauty of the anonymous Internet. Don’t use your name at first to protect your identity.

Once you’ve got a good profile up, you can start contacting profiles that you find interesting, or just sit back and wait for others to contact you.

Try a little of both.

How To Get To Know Each Other

Asking a lot of questions is a great way to start the ball rolling on the swinger dating site. You can talk via e-mail, or by video camera in a lot of cases.

Video is much more fun and you can see body language too.

Share your fantasies and your expectations for the relationship. You want to be absolutely clear about your intentions so no one has the wrong idea, and there aren’t any surprises along the way.

That’s all for now.

So in the meantime - Happy Swinging!

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Do you feel disappointed and like a failure because you love your partner but you still have many painful conflicts?

If you answered yes to the above question, know that you are not alone in your frustrations. Somehow, most of us have mistakenly been led to believe that love is enough to sustain an intimate relationship. The truth is that it takes much more than love to be in harmony with another.

As a practicing psychotherapist, I have counseled many individuals and couples who were having problems in their relationships. In every case, when I helped the clients release their fears, hurts, anger, and resentments, they instantly were in touch with their love feelings. The love was always there underneath all their pain. Love was never the problem. And love was not enough.

What else does it take to experience harmonious, fulfilling relationships? First of all, I discovered that the most important ingredient is loving yourself. We have heard or read about the popular concept that women (or men) love too much. Quite the contrary, I have found that the real problem is that people do not love themselves enough. Therefore, with low self-esteem they are willing to put up with unhealthy relationships.

You may want to try this process to check out your self-esteem—your foundation for a successful relationship. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to relax. Then rate your self-esteem by seeing or sensing a number from one to ten, with ten being high. Now imagine that you are seeing an image of yourself standing in front of you. Tell the image of yourself what he/she needs to do in order to raise his/her self-esteem. Now visualize yourself acting out in the future what you need to do in order to experience more self-love. Take two deep breaths and open your eyes.

You may want to write down the information you just received. You may also want to plan a time when you can follow-up on your suggestion to help you raise your self-esteem. Finally, congratulate yourself for being willing to tune into your inner wisdom, and to explore some solutions.

Other ways to help you love yourself include reading self-help books, listening to self-help tapes, attending workshops and support groups, and if necessary seeking professional counseling. It takes a lot of courage to say, “I need help,” and to reach out for it.

The second necessary component in a successful relationship is good communication. If you are struggling in your interactions with others, there is a good chance that you can use improvement in this area. Make a commitment to yourself to learn better ways to express your thoughts and feelings, and to solve your problems. Your investment in the time, energy, and money will have excellent returns. With constructive communication, and with self love, you are well on your way to having the relationship you desire.

Other valuable pieces to the puzzle are two individuals having similar morals, values, interests, and goals. These are important elements to explore before you commit yourself to marriage.

However, sometimes these factors change later on in life and cause irresolvable conflicts. For example, one partner may change their religious or spiritual beliefs, and find out that their partner is unwilling to follow. In those cases, it is important to honor each other’s choices, and support each other to pursue his/her individual path—even if it means separation.

Still another ingredient necessary to make relationships work I will express with the following saying: “People who grow together stay together.” Often clients had serious marital problems because one of them chose to focus on their growth, while the other remained stagnant. As a result, they found themselves in two different places, and were no longer compatible. Love was not enough to keep them together.

The following brief questionnaire may help you to decide whether to commit to marriage, or to become aware of areas you may need to strengthen with your loved one. Place a check before the pieces which you feel confident that you have in your relationship.

___I love myself (my self-esteem is at least an eight).

___I love my partner (who also has a self-esteem of eight or higher).

___My partner and I have good communication, and we work out win-win
solutions.

___We have the same morals and values.

___We share similar interests.

___We are best friends.

___We have similar goals.

___We are both growing, open to changing, and exploring our full potential.

Know that you deserve to have the loving, fulfilling relationship that you desire. Go for it!

©1997 by Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, Marriage, Family, Therapist, speaker, and author - www.helenerothschild.com

HELENE ROTHSCHILD, MS, MA, MFT, is a Marriage, Family Therapist, intuitive counselor, author, teacher, workshop facilitator, and speaker. She offers empowering telephone, internet, and in-person healing sessions for all issues including: healing your body, relationships, career, prosperity, weight loss and parenting.

Helene developed her own unique process, HART: Holistic and Rapid Transformation, which goes right to the core. She teaches HART classes and independent studies.

She is the author of Personal Success ~ an interactive online self-help program, many articles (free articles) and over 85 inspirational and self-help books, booklets, e-books, tapes, posters, and cards–close to a million have been sold worldwide. Helene has appeared numerous times in the media (including international CNN), and hosted her own local radio and television shows. All of her educational materials, classes and services support her mission of helping people to feel more loving, peaceful, fulfilled, healthy, happy, and empowered.

http://www.helenerothschild.com

The problem with choosing a dating service is choice — too much of it! There are hundreds of services. To choose a dating service that’s right for you, you need to be clear about what exactly you’re looking for. As a newcomer to online dating, unfamiliar with all the options, you might be a little hazy on this front. Here’s a rundown of the main areas in which dating services differ which will help you draw up a dating service wish list to compare sites to.

Relationship options

One of the most obvious things to think about when choosing a dating service is what kind of relationship(s) you’re looking for.

Some services, including top dating sites like Yahoo! Personals (singles dating) and eHarmony (soulmates) focus on one type of relationship only. The advantage of choosing a dating service that’s dedicated to a particular type of relationship is that everyone will be on exactly the same page as you are in terms of intentions.

If you’re not clear what your intentions are, you might be better choosing a dating service where members can pursue different types of relationships within the same site. Again there’s no shortage of choice. However, at some multi-relationship services it’s not immediately clear who’s looking for what and up to you to figure it out, using the search tools. If this sounds like trouble (and it can be), choose a service like Lavalife which has separate communities within the site for each type of relationship.

Members

Think about the type of person you want to meet. Are you open-minded, in which case a mainstream service will be fine, or do you have a lengthy list of “must haves” regarding your perfect match?

If you have set ideas about the type of person you’d like to meet, finding them in a mainstream service could be like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack. (By “mainstream”, I mean that members are as diverse as the general population.) Instead, consider choosing a relationship service that specializes in bringing people together who have something very specific in common — religion, political beliefs, ethnicity, body size, certain lifestyles, you name it.

Simply run a search for “dating (or matchmaking, or marriage)” plus whatever you’re looking for (vegetarian, republican, biker…) and it’s almost certain you’ll find a relationship service to match.

Matchmaking features

Dating sites have thousands if not millions of members so good search tools are important. However, it’s still up to you search out your perfect match and not everyone has time for this. Luckily many dating services have matchmaking features (more sophisticated search tools) that will help you find “the one” quickly and easily.

Matchmaking features range from the very simple, based on profiles and/or basic wish lists, to the sophisticated, based on personality and other tests as well as more detailed profiles and wish lists. Unless you’re unusually picky (or just very unusual), these one-click options will typically churn up a good selection of possible matches on a regular basis — popular dating services attract many new members a day. You can usually opt to have these matchmaking searches run automatically on a regular basis and receive new match details by email — another time-saver.

At some services, matchmaking features are part of a complete matchmaking service where the selection process is much stricter, usually because they’re geared towards serious relationships. Typically you’ll receive just a handful of potential partners over a length of time. For example, eHarmony (designed to help people into marriage) advises clients not to expect more than one or two matches a month. To accept this level of matchmaking you have to be happy with the idea of letting the “experts” have the final say about who’s right for you and who’s not.

Tests

Online dating services are about much more than dating. They’re also an opportunity to gain some valuable insights into yourself and the type of person you’re looking to meet which could help improve your love life, online and off. If this appeals to you, choose a dating service with personality and other tests for members to take.

For the most part, larger, well established online dating services have the most insightful and detailed personality tests because they have more resources to put into their design. Almost all personality tests are free to take and at many sites matchmaking tools draw on the results to find members who are compatible with each other. So, by taking several tests and judging the results, you’ll get a good idea of which site is going to do the best job of helping you find your perfect match. After all, if the results are a true reflection of what you’re like, they’ll be a true reflection of potential matches too.

Communications

There are two levels of communication to consider when choosing a dating service — what you get for free and what you get as a paying member. On both fronts, some services offer a lot more than others.

Free communications matter because they let you get to know someone, or at least that the interest is mutual, before you spring for a subscription. (A subscription will let you communicate as much as you like.) At most services, free communications are limited to flirty icons and preset messages that members send to each other, but search around. Some services are much more generous than others.

Once you subscribe, the norm for communicating is by on-site email and instant messaging. Many of the top dating services, Yahoo! Personals included, have stuck with this simple set up and show no sign of changing any time soon. Others, like Match.com, are continuously adopting new technologies to offer members more communications options. Typically you’ll pay more so think about whether or not you really need to to be able to access their services anytime, anywhere.

Entertainment

Think about what sort of experience you’d like to have with online dating services. Do you intend to focus on finding your perfect match or would you like to enjoy other activities as well? Many services offer entertainment features including light-hearted quizzes and polls, contests, articles and newsletters, as well as chat rooms and the option to sign up to meet new friends as well as dates.

Offline activities

If the idea of meeting someone online then having to meet them face-to-face at some stage is a little intimidating, look for a dating service that helps members meet and mingle, casually and as part of a group, offline too. Though some dating services go as far as offering singles holidays, offline activities usually involve meeting for concerts, shows and other events in your area or elsewhere.

You can get that all-important “feel” for someone in relaxed atmosphere with plenty of food for conversation and make as much or as little of the occasion as you like. If you haven’t met someone yet, offline activities are an opportunity to meet someone you might like to continue chatting with online, with the advantage that you’ve already met.

International dating

If you’re away from your native country, would like to chat in your native language or are planning to relocate or travel to a different country, some of the more established and successful online dating services have extended their services into countries other than the US. For example, Yahoo! Personals has a new Canadian service while Match.com is live in 27 different countries.

Cost & Payment Options

Most online dating services charge about the same for a subscription — between $20 and $25 a month — so cost isn’t going to be much of a deciding factor when choosing a dating service. Instead, look for value — services might charge about the same but there are big differences in what you get for your money. Also, check out payment options. Several dating services accept money orders and checks as well as the usual credit cards.

Find out what discounts will be available if you sign up for several months at once, and if any special offers are available. Finally on this one, look for free trials and try out all the extra subscriber features before committing to a subscription.

More resources to help you choose a dating service

When you’ve drawn up a checklist of what you’d like in a dating service (and hopefully this article has helped) choosing a dating service will be a lot easier. You can compare your checklist to dating service reviews and, for more specific details, explore FAQs, help pages and “take a tour” options (all good dating services have these). And don’t forget, signing up is free and you can usually explore sites without having to post a profile first. Most of all, though it’s important to choose a dating service that’s right for you, one you’ll enjoy using and are mostly like to have success with, choosing a dating service should be fun. If one dating service doesn’t work out for you, move on and choose another!

Caroline Mackenzie is Co-Owner/Webmaster of The Dating Muse, a guide to online dating services and personals featuring reviews of the top online dating sites plus tips and ideas for finding friends, dates, soulmates and sexual adventure online. You can visit her site at http://DatingMuse.com and subscribe to her newsletter at http://datingmuse.com/subscribe.htm